I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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