Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
