I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
