Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
