I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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