How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
