fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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