I wish my penis had an off switch
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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