just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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