i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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