Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Apparently you make a good broom.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
