I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
