can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
