i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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