If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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