Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
