you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
