I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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