Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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