omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
