Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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