I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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