You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
