cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
4 words: hood of his car
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
