Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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