my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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