I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
