Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
