Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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