as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
