You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
