i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
this beer tastes like vomit already
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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