...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
