hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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