The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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