I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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