does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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