The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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