I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
