I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
