don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
