I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
