How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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