Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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