textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
