This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
