What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
