I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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