Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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