fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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