Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
