i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've blown a few things in my day
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
