Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
