Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
