Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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