if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
