Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
