if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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